come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
