Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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