I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
