i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
