insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
