you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
