After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The adults are the big ones right?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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