just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just threw up on my dentist
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
