remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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