oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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