I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
