Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
