Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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