you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
