I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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