last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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