im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
