so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong