I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched