I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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