My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
