I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
