My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
