I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
