I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.