That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant