I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend