so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?