i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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