I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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