I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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