What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
