Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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