Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
