just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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