I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
