i can't believe i had my finger in that
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
