she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
did you just send me my own nude
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
