It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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