Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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