Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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