I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
