I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Houston, we have a blender
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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