Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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