I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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