it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
