You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
