so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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