just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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