i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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