Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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