don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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