What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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