There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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