How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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