you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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