i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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