Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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