I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just gargled with NyQuil
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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