Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this just has baby written all over it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize